Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Meet the Scorners

Jasper James
When Jasper gave Forrest Gump a bad review in his high school newspaper, he received his first piece of hate mail. He’s loved being a contrarian ever since. Flash forward a few years, and he won a special-recognition award from his college’s English department for his film columns in the campus newspaper. To this day, he’s certain it was his three-star endorsement of Muppets from Space that captured their hearts. Lately, he’s been sleepwalking through life somewhere in suburban Maryland, eating too much hummus (God bless the chickpea!), buying too many Blu-rays, and overloading his Netflix queue with terrible horror movies. And although Roger Ebert once dropped Jasper a line to say he’d read and liked Jasper’s reviews — YES, THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN RECORDED HISTORY — Jasper’s mom has never even considered visiting this site. She says she’s “just too busy for any of that stuff.” Her loss, right? Right, you guys?

Click here for all of Jasper’s posts.
Click here for Jasper’s Twitter.

Paul “Ghostface Millah” Miller
Foolish mortal. Paul is far too cool and popular to have a personal biography listed on this site at the moment. Also, he’s currently very busy with various time- and energy-consuming projects, including (but certainly not limited to): helping the Finnish government take care of that pesky werewolf problem; honing his madd sorcery skillz to raise the Titanic in a live television special to air on Comcast’s On Demand this winter; managing, producing, and choreographing the upcoming O-Town reunion arena tour; blasting fierce beats from his DJ perch inside New York’s sexiest nightclubs; and employing his dazzling scientific know-how to build an vast army of cybernetic ninja warriors and human/animal hybrids to defend the majestic Miller family castle when the revolution finally makes its way to Reykjavik. Please check back in 2019 or never. This has been Jasper, reporting live on behalf of Paul.

Click here for all of Paul’s posts.
Click here for Paul’s Twitter.

Karim Said
Not much can be said about Karim that can’t be said about an iPod. He’s fun to take along when you want to watch movies and listen to podcasts. Also, he scratches easily. One weird thing, though: He’s the brainspew of an overzealous Bizarro Steve Jobs, so… you know, that’s kind of different. Karim fancies himself a connoisseur of Scorsese, Tarantino and PIXAR, but he’ll watch Dog Soliders or Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! in a heartbeat, and he can recite Marisa Tomei’s lines from My Cousin Vinny verbatim. He once pissed off Kevin Smith trying to be funny on Twitter. When Jasper asked Karim to be on Scorncast, Karim said: “Um, SCHPYEAH!” and kind of snorted like some sort of weird Pauly Shore/Jason Mewes mash-up. This likely did not help with the Kevin Smith situation, but he’s been fielding co-star calls for Pauly Shore vehicles ever since.

Click here for all of Karim’s posts.
Click here for Karim’s Twitter.