GUESS WHAT ELSE SUCKS | The aggressively crappy Twilight series finally gets the aggressively crappy spoof it deserves in VAMPIRES SUCK, another one of those cheap-laugh parody flicks from the frighteningly resilient assembly line of co-directors/writers Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (Spy Hard, Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans). Here's a TOTALLY EXCLUSIVE step-by-step guide to their creative process! 1.) Make a list of recognizable personalities from recent entertainment endeavors (Hannah Montana, Captain Jack Sparrow, the American Idol judges, Juno, Brangelina, the princess from Enchanted, etc.). 2.) Concoct wacky scenarios in which said recognizable personalities are farted on, hit on the head, or crushed by something random that suddenly falls from the sky (a cow, perhaps?) during recreations of popular scenes from popular movies. 3.) Hire C-list (at most) actors — Carmen Electra is usually available — to play said recognizable personalities, then film said wacky scenarios. 4.) Edit the footage together in the clumsiest way possible, then call the end product a "movie." 5.) Snicker all the way to the bank when said "movie" performs decently at the box office, maybe because obvious references make morons with scads of disposable income feel smart and savvy, or maybe because this is the End Times. 6.) Wait at least a year for a hot batch of fresh junk to permeate pop culture, then repeat the entire process. Have fun! Good luck with your pursuit of sub-mediocrity! Don't forget to tip your morons!
Okay, fine. Full disclosure: I chortled heartily during Vampires Suck, BUT ONLY ONCE, when teen protagonist Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) — the film's stand-in for Bella Swan, the mopey Twilight heroine played by Kristen Stewart — is ebulliently greeted by a classmate: "Damn, girl. You seem really boring and frigid." It's a hilarious encapsulation of one of the worst things about Twilight (yep, its fucking MAIN CHARACTER), and Proske does a legitimately awesome goof on Stewart's agonizingly stacatto line delivery. That knowing moment aside, Vampires Sucks is a pretty mirthless affair, saturating a condensed boil-down of Twilight and its New Moon sequel — boring and frigid girl romances sparkly vampire (90210's Matt Lanter), leads on shirtless werewolf (Chris Riggi), gets papercut, travels to Italy — in a plethora of corny pop-culture riffs. Some you expect (Tiger Woods, True Blood, Jersey Shore), some you don't (Crest White Strips, The Wizards of Waverly Place); at least one is admittedly superb (a Black Eyed Peas gag that's spoiled in the trailer), but most are too obvious to be funny. (If this movie was a stand-up comedian, it would be like: "Ahem. Boy, that Lady Gaga person sure is weird! And what's with the Jonas Bros. and their wacky virginity rings? And a bunch of sweaty werewolf dudes clad only in jean shorts running around the forest together... GAYYYYY. Right? Right, you guys?") Parting words for the Twi-mom prudes who think Vampires Suck looks cute and silly: You will be disgusted by the unending sexual crudity and potty humor. Then again, you might think Twilight — the story of a submissive nonentity waiting until marriage to have sex with the emotionally abusive corpse she loves — espouses good, churchy values, so you'll probably get what you deserve. Morons. D+ —Jasper
■■■ Rating: PG-13. Running time: 82 minutes.