DANCE ICK | Ah, you gotta love MTV. When it's not airing non-stop reality programming on its "Music Television" channel or handing out awards to Lady Gaga and Twilight, it's producing important feature films. Important feature films like FOOTLOOSE, a remake of the 1984 drama that's only famous for its admittedly bouncy soundtrack and that one scene in which a lemur-esque Kevin Bacon dances his angst off around an abandoned factory where nobody ever bothered to unplug the fog machine. Yeah, time has not been kind to this story. The main gist of Footloose — a car accident in the midwestern whistle-stop of Bomont rallies the community Powers That Be to outlaw dancing — seemed fairly ridiculous 27 years ago, but it comes off like pure science-fiction in 2011. Why does the Bomont brass prohibit upright grinding when they should really be cracking down on underage drinking, reckless driving and youthful jackassery? Shit, just ban teenagers. That'd do the trick and cut down on texting in movie theaters. BOOM, BITCHES. I JUST REVOLUTIONIZED YOUR TOWN. Anyway, that's long-lost Wahlberg brother Kenny Wormald wicked-awesomely Bahstan-ing up the Bacon role, Dancing With the Stars' Julianne Hough as his oppressed dry-humping partner, and Dennis Quaid constipating himself as the anti-jitterbug local minister, so... consider yourself warned. A final note: It appears that the quaint action sequence from Footloose '84 where Bacon and his adversaries play a poky game of chicken atop combine harvesters has been replaced by a high-speed race that ends with a school bus exploding. Bob Dylan grumbled it best: The times, they are a-changin'. —Jasper
■■■ If you must: Footloose opens October 14.