KEEP THE RECEIPT | Remember how The Joy Luck Club was about the deep complexities of parent/child relationships, friendship, loss, grieving and growth? Shit was boring, right? That film needed a couple of lions and elephants and some outrageous major plot points. Luckily, WE BOUGHT A ZOO has all those things! And Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson are in it! Damn, if those close-up shots of their lustful eyes aren’t steamy as Damon struggles with single fatherhood amidst the day-to-day runaround of managing a dilapidated zoo in the middle of No Scenic Countryside in Particular, USA. Remember how awesome Zookeeper and both Dr. Dolittles were? I mean, Jason Bourne could kick the crap out of Kevin James, so this movie is clearly going to rock. Actually, it sucks a little because Damon can’t talk to the animals, but it’s alright because this movie is going to have Thomas Haden Church in the role of Generic Conscientious Comic-Relief Buddy. Oh, and The Hangover Part II’s Crystal the Monkey is in it, too! Cameron Crowe has done done it with this one, guys. I’m sick of people saying how clever and charming his rock-’n’-roll-infused coming-of-age story Almost Famous was. That flick didn’t have a tiger or a scene with a rambunctious porcupine where Matt Damon will probably get one of those spike things in his butt. That’s going to be hilarious! —Karim
■■■ If you must: We Bought a Zoo opens December 23.