THE WEDDING SLAMMER | Oh em gee, you guys! After all that inconsequential dawdling, Edward and Bella are FINALLY getting married! Forget that royal wedding shit — this one right here is the biggest effing deal of 2011. I know this because the new trailer for THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART I tells me so. And how! The first 52 seconds focus on the emotional shockwave that consumes everyone who receives an invitation: Bella's dad sulks, some chick who looks like Bridget Fonda seems positively delighted, and Jacob indignantly yanks off his shirt. (But let's be honest: Jacob's reaction to EVERYTHING — getting carded at the liquor store, finding spare change between the sofa cushions, hearing his favorite Amy Grant song on the radio — is to indignantly yank off his shirt.) And it's super sweet of Edward and Bella to invite the Volturi to their lil' backyard ceremony... seeing as how the Volturi TRIED TO KILL THEM two movies ago. Anyway, the rest of the preview provides flashes of imagery sure to tingle the overly sensitive nads of Twi-hards everywhere: endless angsty glowering, bed-demolishing marital sex (the best kind!), and the least erotic waterfall-approximate coitus since Clint Eastwood took Donna Mills for a dip in 1971's Play Misty for Me. All this PLUS a baby who will very likely grow up to be a stammering, glittery half-corpse mouth-breather?! Oh em gee, you guys! Oh. Em. Gee. —Jasper
■■■ If you must: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part I opens November 18.