MISS! | Try to watch this trailer for next summer’s alien-attackstravaganza BATTLESHIP in the mindframe of someone who has no idea what trailer they’re about to watch. Capisce? You’d be forgiven, I think, for not realizing that the movie it’s showing off is based on the classic Milton Bradley guessing game until the familiar steel-plated title treatment clanks onto the screen. Up until then, it plays like some boilerplate chunk of any random Michael Bay blockbuster, albeit one with a curiously deficient money shot. Seriously, Battleship? A fucking LEAPFROGGING SPACESHIP? That’s the best you can tease? That’s the moment that’s supposed to make us all like: “OOOH, I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THIS WHEN IT FINALLY OPENS THREE SEASONS FROM NOW!”? Anyway, forget the underwhelming martian acrobatics for a minute. Let’s address the one element of Battleship that has everyone genuinely excited: pop princess Rihanna in the role(?) of Petty Officer Raikes, a performance I’m sure will make the Golden Globes seriously regret retiring their award for New Female Star of the Year back in 1983. And I’m way ahead of this synergy. I know the soundtrack will feature some hot new Rihanna tune that’s going to go quadruple platinum, so I took the liberty of sending her my highly conceptual song lyrics and a clever idea for the accompanying music video. (Her e-mail is rihanna@rihanna.com, right?) Check this out: So, for the video, Rihanna is doing her thing in front of a giant Battleship peg grid, the horizontal row numbered 1-10 and the vertical row lettered A-J as usual. This jam — I call it “You Sank My Heart (Like a Battleship)” — is written so that different letter/number combinations appear throughout the lyrics, and the corresponding coordinate will light up on the board behind her as it’s sung. Here’s a taste:
That anE1 could see
You’d repuD8 my feelings
And now you’ve set me free
Another thing about us
That makes me go OMG2
I4got when I said I loved you
You always looked so blue
You sank my heart
You sank my heart
You sank my heart
You sank my heart like a battleship
You turned my head
You rocked my world
You blew my mind
You sank my heart like a battleship
Pretty grA8, right? —Jasper
■■■ If you must: Battleship opens May 18.
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