NEIGHSAYER | Apparently, a lot of people were mystified by DreamWorks’ initial advertising campaign for Steven Spielberg’s WAR HORSE. Is it about war? A horse? A horse in an age of war? A war within range of horses? If this so-called war horse is so crucial to the story, why doesn’t it speak with the brassy voice of Niecy Nash? Why doesn’t it have a fun horse name? You know, something timeless like P-Nut, Sassafras or Horsey “Horsedemeanor” Elliott? Is the film ONLY about the war horse? If so, why do there appear to be actual human people in it? If actual human people are in it, will there also be, like, subtext and thematic material and stuff? Answering a few of these questions is this new TV spot, in which the actual human people who star in the film (including Tom Hiddleston, Emily Watson, David Thewlis and Jeremy Irvine) appear utterly sedated in talking-head shots — intercut with Oscar-baitingly gorgeous sequences of scintillating war-horse action — as they explain what War Horse is REALLY about:
- “our strength”
- “what connects us”
- “how difficult it is to be separated from those you love”
Finally, newcomer actress Celine Buckens chimes in to summarize that War Horse is about “never letting go of what matters the most,” a proclamation that’s immediately preceded by a shot of her character joyously brandishing a clump of freshly-uprooted carrots. Oh. OHHH. Okay. Everything makes sense now. War Horse is ACTUALLY about the importance of organic produce. Or Vitamin A. Whichever. —Jasper
■■■ If you must: War Horse opens December 25.