‘BREAKING’ FAWN | Being a new mom ain’t easy. Same probably goes for being a new vampire. But Kristen Stewart’s Bella, the insipid teen heroine(?) of the Twilight film series, seems to be adapting to both developments with the disaffected nonchalance that only Kristen Stewart’s Bella would. “After 18 years of being utterly ordinary,” she flatly narrates in this teaser for THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 2, “I finally found that I can shine.” In case you missed Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Bella’s dawn was finally broken — IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN — by her unholy husband Edward (Robert Pattinson), and the ensuing turbo-pregnancy resulted in a demonic baby girl who promptly fell under the mystic spell of a sketchy pedophile wolfman. (Kids grow up so fast these days!) Anyway, Bella almost died during the delivery, so Edward was forced to save her with his “vampire venom” or whatever, but it’s all good now because she’s free to spend eternity listening to him whisper corny drivel about their matching body temperatures. (P.S. to Edward: If you took that reading rectally, remember to subtract a degree!) In Breaking Dawn – Part 2, it appears that Bella’s neo-bloodlust leads her to hunt some poor, unsuspecting fawn. Hooray, because this franchise has finally given me a character to root for! I hope that noble animal clomps the shit out of her. —Jasper
■■■ If you must: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 opens November 16.