Scorncast | Playing for Keeps

PENALTY SHOT | Men are from Mars, women want to have lots and lots of hot sex with Gerard Butler. That’s the basic gist of PLAYING FOR KEEPS, a new romantic dramedy in which Butler plays a former soccer star who’s aggressively drooled over by a cadre of horny suburban moms. Jasper and very special guest Blake Wilding, however, manage to keep their salivary glands functioning normally as they call a timeout on the use of crabmeat in love scenes, ignore Jessica Biel’s relationship-status updates, lobby for a Gattaca sequel, and ponder the extreme nature of celebrity scrotums. Plus: Jasper rants about yearbook-photography poster design, and Blake heartlessly burns Dennis Quaid in a house fire. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: PG-13. Running time: 105 minutes.

Scorncast #55: Scoooooooooorn! (31:35)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (Part 2)

IMPRINTER JAM | Here it is, folks: the very last Twilight episode of Scorncast ever. You know, hopefully. Picking up right where they left off in Scorncast #53, Jasper and Paul (the co-host formerly known as Ghostface Millah) continue and conclude their snappy discussion of everything that’s totally bonkers about THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 2: the garishly international supporting cast, a questionable preordained romance between teen and toddler, the helpful practicality of vampire superpowers, and especially a divisive battlefield finale that leaves Jasper rolling his eyes and Paul pumping his fist. Also: Jasper explains why his favorite movie in the Twilight franchise is Pitch Perfect, and Paul updates a musical moment from Dreamgirls with Taylor Lautner as Effie White. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: PG-13. Running time: 116 minutes.

Scorncast #54: Half Human! Half Vampire! All Scorn! (Part 2) (29:45)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (Part 1)

BORED O’ BELLA | Huzzah, everyone! Scorncast is back just in time to witness the ass-end of the Twilight franchise, and it couldn’t possibly be a coincidence. Yep, a year after their befuddled analysis of icky honeymoon sex and whimiscal demon jizz, Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah can’t not talk — and talk and talk — about the exasperating insanity of THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 2 in another spirited two-part Twilight mega-chat. (What? It’s totally normal for grown men to enjoy discussing movies that are based on a popular series of teen supernatural-romance novels, okay?) In this first half, Jasper wonders why newborn lady-vamps dress like Ann Coulter, Ghostface reveals his squirmy discomfort with fake babies, and the guys introduce the episode by throwing a debutante Paul. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: PG-13. Running time: 116 minutes.

Scorncast #53: Half Human! Half Vampire! All Scorn! (Part 1) (29:15)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | Snow White & the Huntsman

CRAPPILY EVER AFTER | After an enticing promotional campaign that showcased its gorgeously gloomy fairy-tale milieu and Charlize Theron’s deliciously witchy performance as a vampy villainess, SNOW WHITE & THE HUNTSMAN turns out to be the kind of film that only a really wicked stepmother could love. On a crushingly Grimm episode of Scorncast, Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah examine just about everything that’s wrong with this botched hybrid of mucky adventure and ethereal fantasy: unfortunate hairstyles, speechless heroines, puckering produce, and the dickish prescience of magic mirrors. Plus: Ghostface issues a formal apology to Lily Collins, and Jasper explains how to triumph over cursed fruit in just one clumsy step. (Literally.) Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: PG-13. Running time: 127 minutes.

Scorncast #52: Once Upon a Scorn (30:35)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | Men in Black 3

PITCH ‘BLACK’ | Remember the hooky refrain from the theme song of the fun summer-of-’97 blockbuster Men in Black? “Here come the Men in Black”? Now, a full decade after the horrendous Men in Black 2, those words seem vaguely threatening. But because unnecessary sequels to dormant movie franchises will never not be a Hollywood fallback, here comes MEN IN BLACK 3 anyway, and Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah spend this episode of Scorncast navigating through its confounding time-travel plot, kooky story twists, half-assed punchlines, and overall negligible existence. Also: Ghostface laments Rip Torn’s unfortunate new burglary career, Jasper reveals too much when the talk turns to personal “neuralyzer” storage, and the guys agree to disagree about agreeing on the glass-half-somethingness of Men in Black 3. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Showing in 3D and 2D. Rating: PG-13. Running time: 106 minutes.

Scorncast #51: Protecting the Earth from the Scorn of the Universe (30:40)
original music by Bug