Scorncast | Playing for Keeps

PENALTY SHOT | Men are from Mars, women want to have lots and lots of hot sex with Gerard Butler. That’s the basic gist of PLAYING FOR KEEPS, a new romantic dramedy in which Butler plays a former soccer star who’s aggressively drooled over by a cadre of horny suburban moms. Jasper and very special guest Blake Wilding, however, manage to keep their salivary glands functioning normally as they call a timeout on the use of crabmeat in love scenes, ignore Jessica Biel’s relationship-status updates, lobby for a Gattaca sequel, and ponder the extreme nature of celebrity scrotums. Plus: Jasper rants about yearbook-photography poster design, and Blake heartlessly burns Dennis Quaid in a house fire. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: PG-13. Running time: 105 minutes.

Scorncast #55: Scoooooooooorn! (31:35)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (Part 2)

IMPRINTER JAM | Here it is, folks: the very last Twilight episode of Scorncast ever. You know, hopefully. Picking up right where they left off in Scorncast #53, Jasper and Paul (the co-host formerly known as Ghostface Millah) continue and conclude their snappy discussion of everything that’s totally bonkers about THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 2: the garishly international supporting cast, a questionable preordained romance between teen and toddler, the helpful practicality of vampire superpowers, and especially a divisive battlefield finale that leaves Jasper rolling his eyes and Paul pumping his fist. Also: Jasper explains why his favorite movie in the Twilight franchise is Pitch Perfect, and Paul updates a musical moment from Dreamgirls with Taylor Lautner as Effie White. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: PG-13. Running time: 116 minutes.

Scorncast #54: Half Human! Half Vampire! All Scorn! (Part 2) (29:45)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (Part 1)

BORED O’ BELLA | Huzzah, everyone! Scorncast is back just in time to witness the ass-end of the Twilight franchise, and it couldn’t possibly be a coincidence. Yep, a year after their befuddled analysis of icky honeymoon sex and whimiscal demon jizz, Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah can’t not talk — and talk and talk — about the exasperating insanity of THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 2 in another spirited two-part Twilight mega-chat. (What? It’s totally normal for grown men to enjoy discussing movies that are based on a popular series of teen supernatural-romance novels, okay?) In this first half, Jasper wonders why newborn lady-vamps dress like Ann Coulter, Ghostface reveals his squirmy discomfort with fake babies, and the guys introduce the episode by throwing a debutante Paul. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: PG-13. Running time: 116 minutes.

Scorncast #53: Half Human! Half Vampire! All Scorn! (Part 1) (29:15)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | Snow White & the Huntsman

CRAPPILY EVER AFTER | After an enticing promotional campaign that showcased its gorgeously gloomy fairy-tale milieu and Charlize Theron’s deliciously witchy performance as a vampy villainess, SNOW WHITE & THE HUNTSMAN turns out to be the kind of film that only a really wicked stepmother could love. On a crushingly Grimm episode of Scorncast, Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah examine just about everything that’s wrong with this botched hybrid of mucky adventure and ethereal fantasy: unfortunate hairstyles, speechless heroines, puckering produce, and the dickish prescience of magic mirrors. Plus: Ghostface issues a formal apology to Lily Collins, and Jasper explains how to triumph over cursed fruit in just one clumsy step. (Literally.) Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: PG-13. Running time: 127 minutes.

Scorncast #52: Once Upon a Scorn (30:35)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | Men in Black 3

PITCH ‘BLACK’ | Remember the hooky refrain from the theme song of the fun summer-of-’97 blockbuster Men in Black? “Here come the Men in Black”? Now, a full decade after the horrendous Men in Black 2, those words seem vaguely threatening. But because unnecessary sequels to dormant movie franchises will never not be a Hollywood fallback, here comes MEN IN BLACK 3 anyway, and Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah spend this episode of Scorncast navigating through its confounding time-travel plot, kooky story twists, half-assed punchlines, and overall negligible existence. Also: Ghostface laments Rip Torn’s unfortunate new burglary career, Jasper reveals too much when the talk turns to personal “neuralyzer” storage, and the guys agree to disagree about agreeing on the glass-half-somethingness of Men in Black 3. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Showing in 3D and 2D. Rating: PG-13. Running time: 106 minutes.

Scorncast #51: Protecting the Earth from the Scorn of the Universe (30:40)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | Battleship

BOATS AND D’OHS | To commemorate the 50th episode of Scorncast, Jasper and co-host Karim break out the big guns. And that’s “big guns” as in BATTLESHIP, the heavyweight Navy-vs.-aliens blockbuster featuring tons of humungous artillery, not “big guns” as in “extra-special celebrity guests.” Apologies for the misdirection. Anyway, the guys spend this milestone edition of Scorncast giddily examining the profuse goofiness of Battleship — from its roots as a Milton Bradley guessing game to the story-catalyst role inexplicably given to a chicken burrito — only to wind up disagreeing on its bottom-line entertainment value. Plus: Jasper narrows his eyes at public microwaves and the people who use them, and Karim encapsulates the film’s exploitation of military veterans with what is possibly the most eloquent phrasing ever uttered by man. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: PG-13. Running time: 131 minutes.

Scorncast #50: You Scorned My Battleship! (31:28)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | Dark Shadows

BLOOD THINNER | Johnny Depp as a vampire: Kinda weird that nobody thought of this before, right? But judging from DARK SHADOWS — Tim Burton’s spoofy adaptation of the old occult daytime soap, starring Depp as a baroque bloodsucker who’s unearthed in the 1970s and confounded by such kitschy artifacts as disco balls and lava lamps — somebody definitely thought of this. And then the thinking apparently fizzled out, because, aside from Depp’s delightfully pantomimical performance, Dark Shadows is an undercooked goulash of distracted storytelling, nondescript characters and baffling supernatural flourishes. On this episode of Scorncast, Jasper and co-host Karim nevertheless try to make sense of it all, but between the porcelain witch and the sketchy poltergeist and the useless werewolf who drops by for, like, 15 seconds... yeah, no. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: PG-13. Running time: 113 minutes.

Scorncast #49: That ’70s Scorn (30:03)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | The Avengers

HERO WORSHIP | It turns out that Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah skirted talk of THE AVENGERS during their summer movie preview for good reason: Once they start exalting the utter awesomeness of this season’s premier blockbuster superhero epic, it’s hard for them to just shut up already. On another extended episode of Scorncast — don’t get used to it, okay? — the guys discuss their Chitauri-armada-sized expectations, celebrate a (temporary?) victory over comic-book-cinema sexism, single out a few choice Avengers performances (MARK SMASH!), and explain why Joss Whedon is the oh-so-right geek for the directing/writing job. Also: Ghostface detects an uncanny link between mind control and magic mushrooms, and Jasper casually uses the phrase “chillin’ in his pad,” which he should probably never do again. Like, ever. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Showing in 3D and 2D. Rating: PG-13. Running time: 143 minutes.

Scorncast #48: Hulk Scorn! (38:45)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | Summer Movie Preview

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING SUMMER MOVIES | Batman and Pixar and Bourne, oh my! Yep, it’s high time for Scorncast’s second annual SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW, wherein Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah again survey — which means “prejudge,” basically — the next four months of hot, raw blockbuster action. On this reboot-, remake- and sequel-stuffed episode of Scorncast, the guys discuss Andrew Garfield’s new “hipster” Spider-Man, the mighty xenomorphin’ mysteries of Prometheus, and why they ain’t ready for Madea’s Witness Protection, dammit. Swoon as Ghostface resists his attraction to Magic Mike! Wince as Jasper’s impersonation of Christian Bale sounds more like Angry Richard Nixon! Gasp as nobody remembers the title to Step Up: Revolution! And best of all: Thrill as you click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

Scorncast #47: One Scorny Summer (46:18)
original music by Bug

Note: Scorncast #47 was recorded and edited prior to G.I. Joe: Retaliation’s flabbergasting release-date dosido from June 29, 2012, to March 29, 2013. Understandably, there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth at the Scornquarters when Jasper and Ghostface learned of this rescheduling, but they ultimately decided to leave the episode unabridged... in loving tribute of what might have been.

Scorncast | The Cabin in the Woods

MONSTER SMASH | The first rule of THE CABIN IN THE WOODS is: You do not talk about The Cabin in the Woods. The second rule of The Cabin in the Woods is: You DO NOT talk about The Cabin in the Woods. The third rule of The Cabin in the Woods is: Just don’t talk about The Cabin in the Woods, okay? Unless you’re Jasper and co-host Karim, that is, and you’re heralding all the crafty secrets of this giddy genre-jumbler on a spoiler-dense episode of Scorncast. (Those averse to a detailed discussion of Cabin’s plot twists will be able to listen to the non-spoiler portion of the show, which lasts approximately eight seconds.) Plus: Karim jubilantly celebrates a Scorncast milestone, and Jasper attempts to solve that age-old chestnut: Which came first, the horror-movie trope or the ritual sacrifice? Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: R. Running time: 95 minutes.

Scorncast #46: It Was a Dark and Scorny Night... (29:59)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | American Reunion

‘AMERICAN’ HORROR STORY | So, you’ve watched American Pie, American Pie 2, American Wedding, and all four straight-to-DVD American Pie spin-off movies — yes, American Pie Presents The Naked Mile is a thing that exists! — yet still you wonder: “How many more ways can sexual curiosity and exploration go horribly, humiliatingly wrong?” Well, don’t die of shock or anything, but you’re on exactly the same wavelength as the Hollywood honcho who greenlit AMERICAN REUNION, a lazy, depressing, defiantly unfunny “romp” that clumsily careens between labored sex gags and gooey relationship schmaltz. On this crusty episode of Scorncast, Jasper and co-host Karim get perturbed by realistic penile bloodletting, contemplate the impossible mechanics of laptop masturbation, and generally try to have as much fun as possible while reviewing a film they really really really REALLY really did not enjoy. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: R. Running time: 113 minutes.

Scorncast #45: High Scorn Reunion (31:50)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | Mirror Mirror

SNAPPILY EVER AFTER | Don’t freak out or anything, but two very different Snow White movies from rival Hollywood studios are being released just a few months apart. The ancient Maya predicted it. Scorncast previewed it. And now that Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah have seen MIRROR MIRROR — the first of these dueling projects to hit theaters — the time is nigh to officially dig into Snowgate 2012, misleading trailers, and the strange translation of a pretty Grimm fable into a sassy family comedy. (Snow White & the Huntsman, opening in early June, sticks closer to the tale’s darker origins.) Also on this reflective episode of Scorncast: Ghostface struggles through his hate affair with Julia Roberts, Jasper stumbles into the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards, and both guys line up to pet Armie Hammer’s puppy impression. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: PG. Running time: 106 minutes.

Scorncast #44: The Mirror Scorn’d (29:15)
original music by Bug

trailer | The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

‘BREAKING’ FAWN | Being a new mom ain’t easy. Same probably goes for being a new vampire. But Kristen Stewart’s Bella, the insipid teen heroine(?) of the Twilight film series, seems to be adapting to both developments with the disaffected nonchalance that only Kristen Stewart’s Bella would. “After 18 years of being utterly ordinary,” she flatly narrates in this teaser for THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 2, “I finally found that I can shine.” In case you missed Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Bella’s dawn was finally broken — IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN — by her unholy husband Edward (Robert Pattinson), and the ensuing turbo-pregnancy resulted in a demonic baby girl who promptly fell under the mystic spell of a sketchy pedophile wolfman. (Kids grow up so fast these days!) Anyway, Bella almost died during the delivery, so Edward was forced to save her with his “vampire venom” or whatever, but it’s all good now because she’s free to spend eternity listening to him whisper corny drivel about their matching body temperatures. (P.S. to Edward: If you took that reading rectally, remember to subtract a degree!) In Breaking Dawn – Part 2, it appears that Bella’s neo-bloodlust leads her to hunt some poor, unsuspecting fawn. Hooray, because this franchise has finally given me a character to root for! I hope that noble animal clomps the shit out of her. —Jasper

■■■ If you must: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 opens November 16.

Scorncast | The Hunger Games

FAIR ‘GAMES’ | For this Scorncast tribute (teehee!) to THE HUNGER GAMES, Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah return to the bibliophobe/fanboy dynamic they introduced the first time they discussed a blockbuster movie culled from a bestselling novel. Ghostface totally hearts Suzanne Collins’ Hunger Games book series, but Jasper ain’t got time for this readin’ shit, which enables the guys to complementarily gauge the film’s successes as both a fan-pleasing adaptation (not bad) and its own cinematic entity (pretty good). Plus: There’s a call for more graphic child-on-child violence, Ghostface gets steamed about half-assed bird symbology, and Jasper learns how crackerjack cake-decoration skills can help you survive a perilous situation. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: PG-13. Running time: 142 minutes.

Scorncast #43: May the Scorn Be Ever in Your Favor (31:36)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | John Carter

MARS BARRED | Maybe Hollywood and Mars used to date, and Hollywood cared deeply for Mars and was all like: “I love you, baby,” but then Hollywood came home from work early one afternoon and walked in on Mars doin’ it with an asteroid belt or whatever. That’s the only sensible explanation as to why Hollywood seems hellbent on destroying Mars’ reputation by using it as the setting for a bunch of stupid movies: Total Recall, RocketMan, Mission to Mars, Red Planet, Ghosts of Mars, Doom, and now JOHN CARTER, a baffling chunk of sci-fi nonsense with a script that’s all proper nouns and exclamation points. On this giggle-heavy episode of Scorncast, Jasper and very special guest Karim speak in silly voices, ponder the pitfalls of adapting antiquated literature, and try not to confuse their Tharks with their Therns and their Sab Thans with their Tars Tarkases. Spoiler alert: It doesn’t go so well. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Showing in 3D and 2D. Rating: PG-13. Running time: 132 minutes.

Scorncast #42: Dejah Scornis (30:35)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | The Lorax

FLORA POWER | Everybody’s a crusader these days. The titular critter in THE LORAX speaks for the trees. Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah speak for the movies. And when Jasper and Ghostface eventually decide to speak for the trees instead of the movies, Scorncast will be replaced by Shrubcast, a sexy and exciting audio chat show that’ll feature scintillating discussion of all the hot, new foliage blooming at an arboretum near you. But for now, Jasper and Ghostface are here to give two green thumbs up to The Lorax, a cheerful musical expansion of Dr. Seuss’ plaintive ode to the environment. Also on this SkyActiv®-fueled episode of Scorncast: Jasper names a reliable erectile failsafe, Ghostface raises an eyebrow at the film’s puzzling corporate tie-ins, and the Scornax — the Lorax’s insignificant slacker cousin — stops by the Scornquarters to bust a few rhymes. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Showing in 3D and 2D. Rating: PG. Running time: 86 minutes.

Scorncast #41: Oh, the Movies You’ll Scorn! (29:57)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | 84th Annual Academy Awards

SILENCE IS... GOLDEN? | The Oscars are incredibly frivolous, frequently aggravating, generally predictable, typically neglectful of some really awesome shit, and, therefore, barely worth the endless film-geek analytical chatter. Alas, that sure doesn’t stop Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah from further discussion of the 84TH ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS on another extended episode of Scorncast. With the festivities officially dunzo — and most of the big wins split between a few movies nobody will remember 10 years from now — Jasper and Ghostface offer a point/counterpoint on Meryl Streep’s “surprise” Oscar victory, wonder why the ceremony was interrupted by a sneak preview of Iron Man 3, and demonstrate a new and improved grasp of the French language after cruelly duping their audience just one month ago. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

Scorncast #40: Special 2012 Oscorn Edition (45:00)
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Scorncast | Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

BAD OUT OF HELL | There are only three certainties in life: death, taxes, and Scorncast spotlighting a Nicolas Cage movie. Actually, considering that most of Cage’s output in the past decade has been totally cuckoo bonkers crazy, it’s unforgivable that this took so long. But Jasper and very special guest Karim finally fill the void with their baffled recap of GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE, a sequel to the 2006 Marvel superhero yarn that, um, pretty much nobody asked for. On an extremely inevitable episode of Scorncast, Jasper gets upset about the film’s lack of purposeful flame urination, Karim drools over bakery-fresh sourdough Eucharist, and the guys wonder why demonic powers have zero effect on Hostess snack cakes. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Showing in 3D and 2D. Rating: PG-13. Running time: 95 minutes.

Scorncast #39: Scorn on Fire (32:56)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

TROPIC BLUNDER | Gargantuan bees. Gratuitous 3D. Classic adventure novels adapted into a wacky theme-park-ride narrative by the writers of a straight-to-DVD Bring It On sequel. A former wrestler in the lead role. Michael Caine’s most blatant money-and-run appearance since Jaws: The Revenge. Acknowledging this wall-to-wall ridiculousness, could it be that JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND is a deliberate attempt to make the Scorncastiest movie ever? Or do Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah lack the fervid industry clout necessary to inspire such pandering? And if so, in which desert cave can they locate the evil genie who will grant them this power? Why is Josh Hutcherson’s last name so flipping hard to pronounce? Is the Pec Pop of Love a legitimate flirtation technique? And how do septuagenarians build the awesomest treehouses? Click the Scorncast banner below for the answers to absolutely none of these questions!

■■■ Showing in 3D and 2D. Rating: PG. Running time: 94 minutes.

Scorncast #38: Scorn of the Jungle (30:50)
original music by Bug

Scorncast | The Grey

FREEZER BURN | A stonefaced cinematic funeral dirge starring Liam Neeson, a pack of ravenous wolves, and a metric shit-ton of snow, THE GREY certainly sticks out from the ridiculous garbage and prefab blockbusters that Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah usually discuss on Scorncast. For one, none of these wolves turn into a hunky Native American teen with an affinity for jean shorts. Also, Neeson doesn’t play an ex-mercenary who kills the drug czar who wronged his family by shooting him in the face with a harpoon forged from melting crack spoons. What’s up with that? Regardless, the guys try to slice through the incessant gloom of this depressing man-vs.-nature thriller with awful/awesome wolf puns, insinuations of delayed puberty, and a rumination on drunk Irish cross-stitching. Plus: Ghostface grievously upsets Jasper by defacing his Breastplate of Righteousness. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!

■■■ Rating: R. Running time: 117 minutes.

Scorncast #37: Scorn vs. Wild (33:06)
original music by Bug