BORED O’ BELLA | Huzzah, everyone! Scorncast is back just in time to witness the ass-end of the Twilight franchise, and it couldn’t possibly be a coincidence. Yep, a year after their befuddled analysis of icky honeymoon sex and whimiscal demon jizz, Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah can’t not talk — and talk and talk — about the exasperating insanity of THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 2 in another spirited two-part Twilight mega-chat. (What? It’s totally normal for grown men to enjoy discussing movies that are based on a popular series of teen supernatural-romance novels, okay?) In this first half, Jasper wonders why newborn lady-vamps dress like Ann Coulter, Ghostface reveals his squirmy discomfort with fake babies, and the guys introduce the episode by throwing a debutante Paul. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
CRAPPILY EVER AFTER | After an enticing promotional campaign that showcased its gorgeously gloomy fairy-tale milieu and Charlize Theron’s deliciously witchy performance as a vampy villainess, SNOW WHITE & THE HUNTSMAN turns out to be the kind of film that only a really wicked stepmother could love. On a crushingly Grimm episode of Scorncast, Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah examine just about everything that’s wrong with this botched hybrid of mucky adventure and ethereal fantasy: unfortunate hairstyles, speechless heroines, puckering produce, and the dickish prescience of magic mirrors. Plus: Ghostface issues a formal apology to Lily Collins, and Jasper explains how to triumph over cursed fruit in just one clumsy step. (Literally.) Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
PITCH ‘BLACK’ | Remember the hooky refrain from the theme song of the fun summer-of-’97 blockbuster Men in Black? “Here come the Men in Black”? Now, a full decade after the horrendous Men in Black 2, those words seem vaguely threatening. But because unnecessary sequels to dormant movie franchises will never not be a Hollywood fallback, here comes MEN IN BLACK 3 anyway, and Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah spend this episode of Scorncast navigating through its confounding time-travel plot, kooky story twists, half-assed punchlines, and overall negligible existence. Also: Ghostface laments Rip Torn’s unfortunate new burglary career, Jasper reveals too much when the talk turns to personal “neuralyzer” storage, and the guys agree to disagree about agreeing on the glass-half-somethingness of Men in Black 3. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
■■■ Showing in 3D and 2D. Rating: PG-13. Running time: 106 minutes.
HERO WORSHIP | It turns out that Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah skirted talk of THE AVENGERS during their summer movie preview for good reason: Once they start exalting the utter awesomeness of this season’s premier blockbuster superhero epic, it’s hard for them to just shut up already. On another extended episode of Scorncast — don’t get used to it, okay? — the guys discuss their Chitauri-armada-sized expectations, celebrate a (temporary?) victory over comic-book-cinema sexism, single out a few choice Avengers performances (MARK SMASH!), and explain why Joss Whedon is the oh-so-right geek for the directing/writing job. Also: Ghostface detects an uncanny link between mind control and magic mushrooms, and Jasper casually uses the phrase “chillin’ in his pad,” which he should probably never do again. Like, ever. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
■■■ Showing in 3D and 2D. Rating: PG-13. Running time: 143 minutes.
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING SUMMER MOVIES | Batman and Pixar and Bourne, oh my! Yep, it’s high time for Scorncast’s second annual SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW, wherein Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah again survey — which means “prejudge,” basically — the next four months of hot, raw blockbuster action. On this reboot-, remake- and sequel-stuffed episode of Scorncast, the guys discuss Andrew Garfield’s new “hipster” Spider-Man, the mighty xenomorphin’ mysteries of Prometheus, and why they ain’t ready for Madea’s Witness Protection, dammit. Swoon as Ghostface resists his attraction to Magic Mike! Wince as Jasper’s impersonation of Christian Bale sounds more like Angry Richard Nixon! Gasp as nobody remembers the title to Step Up: Revolution! And best of all: Thrill as you click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
Note: Scorncast #47 was recorded and edited prior to G.I. Joe: Retaliation’s flabbergasting release-date dosido from June 29, 2012, to March 29, 2013. Understandably, there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth at the Scornquarters when Jasper and Ghostface learned of this rescheduling, but they ultimately decided to leave the episode unabridged... in loving tribute of what might have been.
SNAPPILY EVER AFTER | Don’t freak out or anything, but two very different Snow White movies from rival Hollywood studios are being released just a few months apart. The ancient Maya predicted it. Scorncast previewed it. And now that Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah have seen MIRROR MIRROR — the first of these dueling projects to hit theaters — the time is nigh to officially dig into Snowgate 2012, misleading trailers, and the strange translation of a pretty Grimm fable into a sassy family comedy. (Snow White & the Huntsman, opening in early June, sticks closer to the tale’s darker origins.) Also on this reflective episode of Scorncast: Ghostface struggles through his hate affair with Julia Roberts, Jasper stumbles into the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards, and both guys line up to pet Armie Hammer’s puppy impression. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
FAIR ‘GAMES’ | For this Scorncast tribute (teehee!) to THE HUNGER GAMES, Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah return to the bibliophobe/fanboy dynamic they introduced the first time they discussed a blockbuster movie culled from a bestselling novel. Ghostface totally hearts Suzanne Collins’ Hunger Games book series, but Jasper ain’t got time for this readin’ shit, which enables the guys to complementarily gauge the film’s successes as both a fan-pleasing adaptation (not bad) and its own cinematic entity (pretty good). Plus: There’s a call for more graphic child-on-child violence, Ghostface gets steamed about half-assed bird symbology, and Jasper learns how crackerjack cake-decoration skills can help you survive a perilous situation. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
FLORA POWER | Everybody’s a crusader these days. The titular critter in THE LORAX speaks for the trees. Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah speak for the movies. And when Jasper and Ghostface eventually decide to speak for the trees instead of the movies, Scorncast will be replaced by Shrubcast, a sexy and exciting audio chat show that’ll feature scintillating discussion of all the hot, new foliage blooming at an arboretum near you. But for now, Jasper and Ghostface are here to give two green thumbs up to The Lorax, a cheerful musical expansion of Dr. Seuss’ plaintive ode to the environment. Also on this SkyActiv®-fueled episode of Scorncast: Jasper names a reliable erectile failsafe, Ghostface raises an eyebrow at the film’s puzzling corporate tie-ins, and the Scornax — the Lorax’s insignificant slacker cousin — stops by the Scornquarters to bust a few rhymes. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
■■■ Showing in 3D and 2D. Rating: PG. Running time: 86 minutes.
SILENCE IS... GOLDEN? | The Oscars are incredibly frivolous, frequently aggravating, generally predictable, typically neglectful of some really awesome shit, and, therefore, barely worth the endless film-geek analytical chatter. Alas, that sure doesn’t stop Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah from further discussion of the 84TH ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS on another extended episode of Scorncast. With the festivities officially dunzo — and most of the big wins split between a few movies nobody will remember 10 years from now — Jasper and Ghostface offer a point/counterpoint on Meryl Streep’s “surprise” Oscar victory, wonder why the ceremony was interrupted by a sneak preview of Iron Man 3, and demonstrate a new and improved grasp of the French language after cruelly duping their audience just one month ago. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
TROPIC BLUNDER | Gargantuan bees. Gratuitous 3D. Classic adventure novels adapted into a wacky theme-park-ride narrative by the writers of a straight-to-DVD Bring It On sequel. A former wrestler in the lead role. Michael Caine’s most blatant money-and-run appearance since Jaws: The Revenge. Acknowledging this wall-to-wall ridiculousness, could it be that JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND is a deliberate attempt to make the Scorncastiest movie ever? Or do Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah lack the fervid industry clout necessary to inspire such pandering? And if so, in which desert cave can they locate the evil genie who will grant them this power? Why is Josh Hutcherson’s last name so flipping hard to pronounce? Is the Pec Pop of Love a legitimate flirtation technique? And how do septuagenarians build the awesomest treehouses? Click the Scorncast banner below for the answers to absolutely none of these questions!
■■■ Showing in 3D and 2D. Rating: PG. Running time: 94 minutes.
FREEZER BURN | A stonefaced cinematic funeral dirge starring Liam Neeson, a pack of ravenous wolves, and a metric shit-ton of snow, THE GREY certainly sticks out from the ridiculous garbage and prefab blockbusters that Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah usually discuss on Scorncast. For one, none of these wolves turn into a hunky Native American teen with an affinity for jean shorts. Also, Neeson doesn’t play an ex-mercenary who kills the drug czar who wronged his family by shooting him in the face with a harpoon forged from melting crack spoons. What’s up with that? Regardless, the guys try to slice through the incessant gloom of this depressing man-vs.-nature thriller with awful/awesome wolf puns, insinuations of delayed puberty, and a rumination on drunk Irish cross-stitching. Plus: Ghostface grievously upsets Jasper by defacing his Breastplate of Righteousness. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
PERFORMANCE ANXIETY | Almost a whole year has elapsed since Scorncast #2, which means that it’s time for a brand new roster of OSCAR NOMINATIONS to get everybody who cares about such things all riled up! On this extended episode of Scorncast, Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah take a realistic look at the pundits’ predictions in each of the four acting categories, pick their favorites, and then venture inside a crazy dream world where they have the power to add on extra nominees of their choosing. (It’s just like Inception, except it’s 103 minutes shorter and absolutely pointless.) Also: The guys drunkenly stumble over the pronunciation of Jean Dujardin’s name, Jasper uses the word “amazing” 67 times in describing his most beloved movie of 2011, and Ghostface reveals his shocking secret identity. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
■■■ Oscar nominations will be announced January 24.
BELGIAN WAFFLING | It takes a big man to admit that he’s wrong, but smaller guys are capable of acknowledging when they’re quasi-mistaken too, you know. On this episode of Scorncast, commitment to an honest review of Steven Spielberg’s THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN leads Jasper (for the record: 5'8.5", 155 lbs.) and co-host Ghostface Millah to discuss giving a second chance to a first-time disappointment. (Please note: This does NOT mean they’re planning on revisiting every awful flick they’ve panned thus far in the Scorncast catalog.) Also: The guys deliberate the awards buzz for motion-capture sensation Andy Serkis, Jasper confesses a weird new crush, and Ghostface can’t deal with anymore goddamn pirates. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
■■■ Showing in 3D and 2D. Rating: PG. Running time: 107 minutes.
BAD APPLES? | Occasionally, amidst the glut of remakes and sequels it cranks out, Hollywood decides to do something refreshing and original by turning a high-concept idea — disaster-via-comet flick, volcano thriller, friends-with-benefits sex farce — into two separate movies released in close proximity to each other. Totally audacious, right? Now there’s a pair of lavish Snow White fantasies opening in the next six months, but March’s MIRROR MIRROR and June’s SNOW WHITE & THE HUNTSMAN at least appear to be very different approaches to the same old fairy tale: One seems powered by nightmare fuel, the other looks like pure whimsy. On this episode of Scorncast, Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah recap the new trailers for both films, wonder how Kristen Stewart lost her voice, and roll their eyes at yet another depiction of Julia Roberts struggling to fit into her clothes. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
■■■If you must:Mirror Mirror opens March 30. ■■■If you must:Snow White & the Huntsman opens June 1.
FANGS FOR NOTHING | Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah’s Twi-ire builds to a conclusion more savory than Japanese rice crackers in part two of their discussion of THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1. With Bella and Edward’s tedious nuptials and squicky honeymoon sex previously pooped on in Scorncast #29, the guys turn their focus to demon semen, ooey-chewy vampire cesareans, and... yes, “imprinting,” a bonkers wolf-folk tradition that makes it totally fine for a teen boy and a newborn baby to trade the kind of gaze that’s typically accompanied by Sade’s greatest hits. (NO PEDO!) Also: Jasper questions Google image search as a valuable research tool in determining the cause of unexplained pregnancy, and Ghostface cringes at the terrifying thought of Taylor Lautner voicing an animated Disney character (and not just because there’d be no chance of a shirtless scene). Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
Note: Scorncast #30 has been edited since it was originally published to remove an audio clip of a scene in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, as including this apparently violated Twi-copyright laws. Jasper and Ghostface now perform the dialog in question, and they do so exquisitely. Please enjoy.
‘BREAKING’ BAD | If you’re a big Scorncast fan — do those exist yet? — and also a stalwart Twi-hard, Twi-mom or Twi-shipper — is that combination even possible? — prepare for a heartbreaking conflict of interest. Yep, Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah sat through THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 1, and they quickly agreed that a solitary 30-minute ’cast couldn’t possibly contain all the scorn they stockpiled during their viewing experience. On the first half of a dazzling Scorncast two-parter, the guys pick teams, play a few word-association and trivia games, and discuss whether having male genitalia precludes them from enjoying this alleged “saga.” Plus: Ghostface makes sense of this sex-centric movie’s succinct lovemaking scenes, and Jasper explains the effects of a penis timeshare on film criticism. Don’t worry: They get to all that “imprinting” bullshit next time. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
Note: Scorncast #29 has been edited since it was originally published to remove an audio clip of a scene in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, as including this apparently violated Twi-copyright laws. Jasper and Ghostface now perform the dialog in question, and they do so exquisitely. Please enjoy.
CAT IN LUKEWARMTH | Get ready for the least enthusiastic film recommendation ever! On this episode of Scorncast, Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah engage in very light petting as they discuss the Shrek spin-off PUSS IN BOOTS, reconciling their enjoyment of its charming main character with their general indifference to the drab spaghetti-western yarn in which he’s stuck. Jasper gently weeps for Amy Sedaris’ post-Strangers With Candy acting career, Ghostface feels a little crummy for talking so much trash about a flick he sorta/kinda liked — shhh, Ghostface, it’s called “Scorncast” for a reason — and a recap of the less-than-stellar line-up of ’toon movies from the last 10 months begs the question: What the shit is going to happen in the Best Animated Feature category at the Oscars next year? (THEY SEE YOU HIDING OVER THERE IN THE CORNER, CARS 2.) Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
■■■ Showing in 3D and 2D. Rating: PG. Running time: 90 minutes.
BALL DROPPINGS | This new trailer for NEW YEAR’S EVE proudly boasts — with confetti and everything! — that it comes “from the people who brought you Valentine’s Day.” Two observations, then: 1.) That phrase needn’t be worded like said “people” did anyone a favor; and 2.) Um, no shit. Because New Year’s Eve is basically the same movie as Valentine’s Day: Both feature Ashton Kutcher (mopey!) and Jessica Biel (shrill!) heading a cross-section of attractive, popular celebrities who mug their way through quasi-romantic, sitcom-esque shenanigans on a crazy eventful holiday. Here, for example, Kutcher is a dude who’s apparently suicidal because he’s trapped in an elevator with Lea “Jazz Hands” Michele, and Biel is an expectant momzilla whose bug-eyed adversarial shtick finally settles the oft-disputed quandary: “Is it wrong to wish God would drop an anvil on a pregnant lady?” Anyway, in tribute to New Year’s Eve’s all-star cast, our own all-star crew thought up a few all-star scenarios for future entries in this franchise. Because the people who brought you — yes, YOU! — Valentine’s Day aren’t going to stop this madness until God drops an anvil on them as well.
Arbor Day: Ashton Kutcher stars as Bodhi, a lovelorn horticulturist at the National Arboretum. Blake Lively plays Willow, Bodhi’s long-distance internet girlfriend, who hopes to meet him for the very first time while she’s visiting her sassy gay cousin (Chris Colfer) in Washington, DC. Bodhi’s hairdresser BFF (Julie Bowen) secretly pines for the boyfriend of her bitchiest client (Jessica Biel): a handsome senator (Greg Kinnear) who’s sponsoring a bill that classifies Arbor Day as a federal holiday. Meanwhile, a workaholic park ranger (Flo Rida) heartwarmingly deals with new responsibilities as a single dad to his angsty teen son (Jaden Smith) after the death of his wife (Zoe Saldana) in a tragic logging accident. And due to a coding goof-up on the personals site NewLeaf.com, a conservative environmental blogger (David Schwimmer) inadvertently winds up on a blind date... with Willow’s sassy gay cousin! But as the evening progresses, sparks fly when both men realize they have more in common than either ever thought possible, and together they learn the true meaning of putting your roots down in new and exciting places. Ke$ha performs “Plant Yr Kiss (on My Face This Arbor Day),” the soundtrack’s hit single. —Jasper
Lincoln’s Birthday: Ashton Kutcher stars as Gabe, a lovelorn Lincoln impersonator and tour guide at the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum in Springfield, IL. Gabe has a mega-crush on his non-profit-do-gooder lesbian roommate (Gabrielle Union), whose only dream is to win the NAACP Award for Excellence at the Lincoln Birthday Gala, hosted by Rev. Al Sharpton (Tracy Morgan). But sparks fly when her frenemy/ex-lover (Taraji P. Henson) storms into town — her no-nonsense publicist (Jessica Biel) in tow — and reveals that she’s nominated for the same honor! Though they haven’t seen each other in seven years, there’s enough sexual tension to last four score. Meanwhile, Gabe’s nerdy kid brother (Noah Ringer) is forced to work with the most popular girl in school (Elle Fanning) on a diorama of Lincoln’s assassination at Ford’s Theatre. And an elderly racist curmudgeon (Cloris Leachman) gets a dose of sexy medicine when she’s romanced by a handsome doctor (Terrence Howard) who’s black, much younger, and himself pursued by three bickering nurses (Halle Berry, Sofia Vergara and Zach Galifianakis). Finally, everyone learns the true meaning of commemorating the birthdays of dead presidents when Gabe discovers he’s Lincoln’s long-lost descendant and needs a no-nonsense publicist to deal with his newfound fame. Selena Gomez & The Scene perform “(I Proclaim You Will) Emancipate My Heart,” the soundtrack’s hit single. —Ghostface Millah
Mexican Independence Day: Ashton Kutcher stars as Esteban, a lovelorn handyman at the Seattle Space Needle who’s never truly embraced his Latin heritage. Esteban reluctantly travels to visit his parents (Hector Elizondo and Adriana Barraza) in Guanajuato, Mexico, where his passport is promptly destroyed during the Running of the Bulls. But sparks fly when he meets Rebecca (Anne Hathaway), a vivacious border patrol agent who puts her career — and their budding relación amorosa — on the line to smuggle Esteban back into the US. Meanwhile, El Temblor de Bronce (Danny Trejo), the neighborhood arms dealer, is driven to distraction when he finds out that his adopted son (Cory Monteith) plans on eloping to Manhattan with his girlfriend (Vanessa Hudgens) in lieu of taking over the family business. In a wacky mix-up, he sells a faulty AK-47 to a skittish shopkeeper (Jennifer Lopez) whose nervous demeanor causes her to accidentally open fire on a tour bus, inside which a vacationing American couple (Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett, briefly reprising their roles from Babel) simultaneously exclaim: “Oh snap! Not again!” Also, the new president of Mexico (Jessica Biel) prepares to learn the true meaning of her country’s revolt against the colonial Spanish government, but how can she merrily preside over the local festivities with her poor husband (Pete Wentz) stuck in a full-body cast after a fireworks run-through gone awry? Lady Gaga performs “Love Bandito (Cry of Dolores),” the soundtrack’s hit single. —Jasper
Purim: Ashton Kutcher stars as Herman, a lovelorn mohel at the Keriat Ha-Megillah Scroll of Ester Community Center and Gymnasium. Goaded by Chaim (Josh Saviano), his best friend and co-worker, Herman embarks on a cross-country road trip with Anita (Amy Sedaris), a sassy gentile, and Janice (Zhang Ziyi), Chaim’s sexy cousin, to pick up a case of misdelivered Mishloach Manot wine. Sparks fly when Herman finds out Janice’s foster sister (Jessica Biel) is trying to sabotage the whole Se’udat to get back at her ex-boyfriend (James Marsden). Meanwhile, Levine (Edward Norton), a recovering methhead and former rabbi, realizes his gift for preparing matzah may be his one shot back into his family’s good mitsvahs. Against all odds, Levine teams up with his daughter’s soccer coach (James Gandolfini) to host a city-wide unleavened-goods bake-off to fund the Ashkenazic Youth Group’s trip to Jerusalem, and both men eventually learn the true meaning of the Jewish people’s liberation from Persia. Gwen Stefani performs “Mordechai’s Eyes (You’ve Come a Long Way from Tosefta),” the soundtrack’s hit single. —Karim
IMITATION BACON | Plundering decades past for pop artifacts to update and sell to the teen audience du jour is always a suspicious endeavor, but the practice hits a brand new plateau of pointlessness with FOOTLOOSE: Director Craig Brewer’s remake would nearly be a total Xerox of the beloved ’80s dance flick if not for all the newfangled pelvic grinding that sometimes invades the choreography. Almost paradise? Only if it’s Opposite Day. (And even then, only if it’s ALSO Trite Punchline Day, and those two observances never coincide.) On this episode of Scorncast, Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah discuss the cash transactions of the good old days, subliminal poster title treatments, and a very strange way to make babies that’s considerably less messy than the one you’re thinking of, you pervert. Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
‘NUMBER’ CRUNCH | Maybe it’s the raunchy-rom-com genre that drives Jasper and co-host Ghostface Millah to their biggest split votes. First it was Friends with Benefits, and now there’s WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER?, a sex farce with a premise that Jasper finds inherently gross and problematic; Ghostface doesn’t entirely disagree, but he’s ultimately kinda/sorta won over by its Sex and the City-style naughtiness and the charms — physical and otherwise — of stars Anna Faris and Chris Evans. Also on this slut-empowering episode of Scorncast: You’ll be schooled on Mary Claire’s lies about uncharted lovemaking mechanics, a brand new social judgment called prudeblergh, and some of the reasons why Jasper is happy to remain chronically single. (One of them involves hummus, naturally.) Click the Scorncast banner below to listen!
